So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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