I met the friendliest cop last night
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
