Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
