she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
