Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
