so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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