I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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