I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
