I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize