Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
