Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize