Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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