If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
