apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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