it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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