Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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