I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
