I wanna bring you to show and tell
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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