OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize