I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
