I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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