she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
