I want to make a zoo with you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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