You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
