Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
