i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
