thus making me awesome and them whores
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
