Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
