Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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