Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
