i already hear my dad disowning me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
