You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
