Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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