What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
