he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I need moral support for this bender
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
