GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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