If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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