and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
