All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
