shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
