That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
