Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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