I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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