Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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