Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
