No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
