pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
