So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
