Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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