in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just googled if crying burns calories
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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