Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
