So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
