Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
