i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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