I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize