I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
